Why is my pain perpetual
And my wound incurable,
Which refuses to be healed?
(Jeremiah 15:18a NKJV)
Today, I’d like to reach out to those who have suffered (may even still be suffering) emotional abuse.
Dear Friend, if that is you, I truly hope that the sharing of my experience will go some way to convincing and encouraging you that irrespective of how it seems right now, Father-God is with you. He loves you and is able to see you through your season of emotional pain and darkness.
Have you ever felt so wounded you thought you’d never recover?
I have!
Of course, it did not help that I was a super-sensitive soul, reading rejection into every line of conversation, viewing every gesture from eyes glazed with suspicion, and sniffing at every relational overture for the tell-tale odour of betrayal.
It got so that I became a human version of the Mimosa Pudica a plant that instantly closes itself upon contact. Before my marriage, I trusted no one. Confided in no one. And hardly ever wanted anything to do with anyone.
And so, there was a time when I believed my soul would never ever heal. Each time I believed I was on the road to recovery, someone else would contribute to my mental archive of hurts, causing my soul wounds to re-open. Or something else would happen which convinced me that woundedness was to be my lot in life for ever—forever destined to be rejected, to be shunned, to be relegated to the frontline of the laughing-stock parade.
No matter how hard I tried, no genuine compliment, no act of kindness, no attempt at friendliness on my part, gave me leverage, or turned the jackpot key in my favour, granting me access to that coveted circle of peer acceptance.
I recall arriving home from work one evening and as I shared with my husband the specifics of yet another incident, the pain in my heart of that single deliberate rejection along with the accumulated blows to my self-esteem, was as palpable as if I had taken a hammer to my fingers. As I broke down, and my husband sought to comfort me, I must admit that at the time, I could not receive either his, or God’s ministry. I was inconsolable!
Back in those days, I would never have believed that I could have emerged from that situation healed, and that the rawness of my internal wounds could (and would!) be made whole. It may have taken years, but I finally got there. What I’d truly believed in my heart was beyond repair, and what I couldn’t conceive as me emerging victorious from the ravages of sustained psychological bullying, eventually became more than a feverish wish, or an anguished prayer—it became reality!
As an ex-member of the walking wounded brigade, I can now share my memory of this hurtful event without pain, bitterness and resentment because I’ve been healed! And healed to the extent that today, I don’t even remember the specifics that had triggered my pain. I can only remember that it had delivered a deep and nasty, inner wound.
Do you have a soul wound?
Are you haunted by the memory of what someone has said or done to you?
Do you feel angry, hurt, bitter and/or numb?
Do you feel God/Jesus does not care because if he did, why would he let it even happen in the first place?
Do you harbour a secret anger and resentment against God?
Dear reader, I’ve been there! Worn the ragged t-shirt of repeated rejection, collected and displayed numerous tarnished trophies of contempt upon the mantel shelf of my tortured mind. Struggled with the burden of ‘putting a brave face on it’ whilst feeling I was about to break down any minute in front of my persecutors.
And the fact that as a Child of God, I sought to do the right thing— to obey His Word… to turn the other cheek… to not retaliate but bite my tongue… not sink to the same level of carte blanche bitchiness (forgive my bluntness) perpetually handed out to me—it rankled that God allowed the situation to go on, and on, and on, and on.
Where was this strong and mighty God who’d intervened for Israel when faced with their enemies?
Where was the recognition from God that my mental tether was being stretched to the absolute breaking point?
Where was the God that King David had described in Psalm 18, who rode upon a cherub and flew upon the wings of the wind, as he rushed to David’s defence, as he answered David’s desperate cry for deliverance from his enemies?
Where was that God, whom I’d thought was also my God? Did I not warrant such interventions?
Today, when I look back on this dark season of my life, I realise that God is not a helicopter parent. He is not interested in my comfort but in my conformity. Whilst he assures me in His Word that he will not test me beyond my capacity to bear (even though at times it felt as though he had!), and whilst he assures me that he is able to cause all things (the good, the bad, and the downright ugly!) to work together for my good, he also reminds me that his ways and thoughts are so much higher than my own.
Looking back, I can see that God used that season of unbearable pack bullying, to toughen me up, to make me mentally and emotionally resilient. Now, whenever I am the subject of scorn, or the recipient of rejection, although it may hurt and offend, I am able to bounce back quicker. Nowadays, insults and barbed malicious comments often meet with an impenetrable shield of faith, and boomerangs back into the ether. I’m grateful to God, for equipping and enabling me to reach this stage.
Please don’t get me wrong! I am not saying that I am never hurt these days. The Enemy of our soul knows our weaknesses, insecurities and hang-ups. He knows our trigger points and how to get under our skin. So, I still find myself tussling with hurt feelings and having to make that mental toss-up between moving forward in maturity or slipping backwards into the immobilising realm of self-pity.
Dear reader, maybe my post strikes a chord and speaks to you where you are at. If so, whilst you deal with the festering wounds of your past, I hope what I’ve shared today will go some way to encouraging you that you can not only survive whatever you are going through, but you can thrive… you can overcome… you can emerge from the experience healed and whole.
May I also take this opportunity to remind you of the Bible character, Joseph? As a young man who’d been betrayed by his treacherous brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused of rape, and “forgotten” by someone he’d helped whilst in prison, he was eventually able to say:
…God has made me to forget all my trouble…
(Genesis 41:51).
May God grant you a similar testimony.
Beloved child of God, my prayer for you today is that the Holy Spirit will be an ever-present help during the times of your troubles. May the comforting balm of God’s Word and the anointed ministrations of His Spirit, work in tandem to heal and make you whole. May any soul wounds received in the past be used by God for your spiritual growth and maturity, and may they also be the means by which he demonstrates to you his awesome power, wisdom and glory.
In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen!
Wishing you all a mega-blessed week.
With love,
Carol
(Passionate – Not Perfect!)
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Your visit is appreciated. If you know of anyone who could benefit from this message please don’t hesitate to share it. And, before you go, would you be so kind as to leave me your comment below? My thanks in anticipation!
C a r o l ' s P l a c e 